ocotillo

new day, new chapter

It could be a Chicken Little Day. Yes, the bees are dying, and the birds and now the bats. My husband has no job. The price of food and gas is soaring to new heights. But what's inconvenient for us is devastating for others in far (or not so far) off places. But somehow I feel fine. I don't know if this is faith or denial or both.

I guess this is the opening paragraph for the new chapter in our lives on my blog where I can be as random as I please.

back into the wild

** Disclaimer** Beware of potential movie spoiler. Also, this is one of those posts that I write as much for myself as for others.

I was looking for a movie to watch last night and checked the "on demand" list. There was "into the wild", just a finger's touch away. Even after I first saw it about 9 months ago, I knew this was a movie I'd see again. It is the true story of a guy who graduates from college, leaves everyone and everything behind for a journey around the states which ultimately ends in Alaska. Whereas the first time I watched it, I felt a great sense of freedom and adventure. This time, the pain and loss of nearly all of the characters almost overwhelmed me.

Circumstances in the movie are just a little too familiar. The upper middle class upbringing, feeling the futility of a college education, disdain for "the career", things you can't talk about, wanting to get away from "society" (forever). The main character even graduated from college the same year as me. Meaning he would be my age now. Would be. I bought my own one-way ticket after college, but God, in his wisdom, introduced me to my lifetime companion and brought me back. I couldn't bring myself to watch the end of the movie, but maybe I will today.

I've come to realize that church life and suburban life seem very similar to me. Rules, expectations and cheery facades. And here they are all wrapped up in a big tangled ball. As well as I know how to play the game (from experience), I hate it. And that hate hates the sinners as well as the sin. And I'm sick of that part of me too.

I have gotten to know a couple of neighbors. For whatever reason (maybe because after a couple of stories from my life they feel ok) they've chosen to share with me some of the mess of their lives behind the beautifully manicured lawns. Real reputation wreckers. There are reasons we all keep others at a distance out here. Maybe I am somewhat afraid that if I really start to love and care for my neighbors, that I will never get out of here.

At one point in the movie, an old man (the one in the picture above) who befriends the main character tells him,"when you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines upon you". I wrote it down soon after I heard it because I wanted to take those words with me. But when I looked down at what I had written, I wrote "life" rather than "light". Maybe it was no accident. Light sems to be something that comes and goes, but Life goes on and on (until it dies....if it dies).

I have been soaking myself in the godjourney podcasts because they speak so clearly of the Father's love to me right now. I've been seeking the father's love, even if it means staying away from religious meetings for a time. Most teaching I've had in the past says "you are either in God, or you are in Rebellion". In or out. Black or white. This one adds a third way which clears up a lot of spiritual debris for me. You may be in Rebellion, or Religion or God. Probably a combination, actually. But the straight and narrow road is not falling into either of those ditches on the side of the road. It's just never been spelled out so clearly to me before.

I wish he had lived. I wish he had been able to cross that river back. I wish the hunters had found him sooner. I wish it were not a true story. But this story of life (fortunately) isn't up to me.

certain and uncertain

Well, as much as many things seem uncertain, while I was riding my bike this morning I realized that this time next week, Richard would no longer have a job to go to. That is about is certain as things get. Let's see what else is certain: God is good and most likely the sun will rise tomorrow. I don't know where we are going and when. Even our directional compass seems to be wildly fluctuating. I still feel the call of the Northwest, but don't know if now is the timing. I even told God I would be willing to lay aside that dream. Would I be willing to lay aside the desire I feel every day to escape from Suburbatopia? That sounds almost as desirable as eating frozen food- still frozen. But, I suppose I would. If I had to.  My husband has been smitten with Kansas City (MO). I give him the raised eyebrow expression. But what do I know? I've never been there. Just my California Girl reflex ("what! deeper into the midwest?").I myself am routing for Austin. What's going on? Nevertheless, we are not afraid, so to speak.

In fact, we've come to appreciate the adventure of options and not knowing. I know for myself the past few months, I question a lot less why I am where am I and for what purpose. I find myself realizing more and more that life is not some sort of assembly line and rather part of the marvelous intertwined multi-level complexity of creation.  Oh dear, sounds like I'm slipping into my smoking jacket and making my way to my private library. Brandies anyone?

But really, a certain joy, "knowing" and freedom has been seeping into my/our lives. We are ok with the questions and disarray. Things will fall into place. We will have our daily bread.

buy a bag....send some love

I really have a hard time with marketing and promotion. I hesitate to do it....even on my own blog. Somehow this endeavor motivates me though. I have quite a few bags and other items that look better in real life than on my etsy page. And I am trying to do something different at the moment.

I believe I have mentioned my friend, who is a refugee from the Congo before on this blog. She wants to start an orphange back in the Congo for children who have lost their parents to war and AIDS. She says that it is so bad there that in many places there is an age gap where there are hardly any people of parenting age. Anyways, I'd like to give money from the sale of my bags (minus shipping I suppose) to her as a surprise before we leave the area.

I've made $40 so far. Almost enough to provide for a child for a month. She says it costs $50 a month to provide EVERYTHING a child needs (3 nourishing meals a day, schooling costs, medicines and new clothes, housing and a warm bed).

I'd like to contribute to some start-up money. So if you buy a bag for $25 or so, all the money will go to her and you will have a groovy bag too. Why here's one now:

If you'd like to help me by mentioning this on your blog, that would be really really cool. But best of all, if you take a moment to remember these kids in your prayers, that would be great too.

They can be purchased here.

another day, another book review

My husband and I went through a period of watching a lot of movies. We've since shifted to books. I hardly know what's on tv anymore. Believe it or not, there is no bookstore in our area. I think there was a Barnes & Noble and it went out of business (weird). So, we've been keeping the amazon empire, and the beloved UPS man in business.

I actually stumbled across this book in relation to the Jake Colsen book. But I wound up reading Jake Colsen online because it was there and free. Though I so much prefer cuddling up with a real paper book on the couch or out in the sunshine with 30 mph winds.

So, this book is called the shack. Which I write that way to keep away the googlers. There is enough ickiness in life, I prefer to keep my blog a safe haven for all involved as much as possible. And this is a book people feel VERY strongly about. It can easily polarize people.

It's history is interesting because it was written by an accidental author. He doesn't consider himself an author and wrote the book for his family and kids. Others encouraged him to seek a publisher. He went to both christian and everyday publishers. The christians told him they really liked it, but it was too "edgy" and didn't fit their niche market. The everyday publishers said they too really liked it, but it was too "jesus-y" and didn't fit their niche market. Ha! I had to laugh at that. So it was published by some friends independently (the Jake Colsen people) and has circulated, more or less, word of mouth (or word of blog) without marketing.

Interestingly enough, the author lives in (drum roll please) Portland, Oregon. And I've been meaning to write this down, but I don't think I have yet. A little prophecy. Something I feel God has told me: God is going to use the creativity that is centered in that area for his purposes. I've been feeling that for some time now.

Anyhow, back to the book. It isn't the sort of book that is written so well that you can't put it down. The writing is "good enough". But the insights here are absorbing. You might have to put the book down to wipe away the tears or just to take a breather from the immensity.

Though it is clearly classified as fiction, this is the sort of book that some people will tear apart theologically. It really brings out the piranha in some folks. Personally I have no idea what 100% theologically correct would look like (except maybe 2000 years ago listening to Jesus). So much is filtered through our traditions, translations, interpretations and culture. For the books I read, I would notice if they were way off or out to lunch. Which I don't feel this one is. I look for the goodness, truth and love and hopefully leave the rest. Even if there are theological problems, there are heaps of love & truth here. Whole meals of goodness.

I know one thing I struggle with is finding the God of Love. My mind tends to default to the mean God. You know the one? Let's see, since I'm not a great writer, here are some words associated with him off the top of my head: perfectionism, guilt, fear, paranoia, legalism to name a few. Perhaps you've met him? I've shown him the door many times, but he keeps coming back because I start thinking "maybe I was wrong...".

Anyways, enough of my rambling. The website does a better job of presenting the book and a summary than me, so here you go.

about that last post....

I got a call about 2 p.m. from my husband. He was at the grocery store and wanted to know what we needed. Strange. I did ask why he wasn't at work at that time. He said he'd tell me when he got home. But I kinda already knew.

As of April 17, he will be laid off from his corporate job. Strangely (or not you might say), nearly (and that was only 2 years ago) everyone who the company transferred out from San Diego has since been laid off. Despite this being the case, people are rarely devastated. In fact, there has been a bit of envy when some people have left due to the nature of the very generous severence package. I think we might have even prayed that he would get laid off. There is 6 months of severence pay, so my fantasy of riding off into the sunset is all of a sudden not completely out of the realm of reality.

But it is enough today to absorb the shock of the news. But I don't think our future lies in suburbatopia. We'll take things one step and prayer at a time.

Our Life in Texile

"Texile" is the state of being exiled in Texas. This word is related to other word, "Texodus", a noun of unknown origin, meaning leaving Texas (and all it may symbolize).

Ok, this is hardly exile. Just my goofy sense of humor.

Richard and Karina returned late Friday night from their 5 days in the Northwest. Richard was positive. The daughter was on the negative side. Mostly she is set against it because she is 14 and has some good friends here. Also, Portland is about as different from the suburbs north of Dallas as one could find in the US. I know this is no small thing for her. But if there is a time to go, we feel it is now, and not 4 years from now (when she would graduate from high school).

Richard will be looking for another job one way or another. He finds his current corporate position to be an exercise in bureaucratic futility. Though they have been very good to him over the years. He has been applying online for jobs in the greater Portland area for a couple of weeks now.

Personally, I'd often like to just get a camper van and drive off into the sunset, leaving all our "stuff" behind. Hmmm.

I feel kinda silly saying I am one of these people who is "called" to this area or that. Though we do hear the Northwest calling.

listening

Just thought I would share a link to this online book I have been reading called Jake Colsen. I've found it to be probably the most spiritually freeing and liberating thing I've ever read. God knows the paralyzing effect religion (by this I do not mean Jesus) has had on my life. I want to marinate in it and soak it into my being. To really experience God's love and have it for others would be amazing. There's a podcast series too called The God Journey. I wish I was more awake feeling to say more. Yaaawwwwnnnn. My head is not so clear yet. But I really did just want to share these resources with you, my friends.

P.S. While checking my links, I realized that the book is actually called "So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore". I like the title they used for the German version better which translates as "The Cry of the Wild Geese: Setting Out for a Free Life in Christ Beyond Religion and Tradition". :)Wild geese!

today's gift

SNOW! And a 2 hour delay in school hours. Giving everyone time to play in it before school.

city dreams country dreams

Ok these are some of my crazy city or country dreams/ideas I find myself daydreaming about lately. Not necessarily practical, reasonable or realistic, but I'm allowed to dream.

In the city:

*A laundromat with a cafe and a 24/7 prayer room attached. Open 24 hours of course. It would make laundry, perhaps, something to look forward to.

*A large multi-dwelling building with apartments of all sizes. It would have a large courtyard and garden in the middle with loads of plants. People of all kinds could live there less expensively than in single family dwellings. The elderly and disabled could be looked after.

In the country:

*That's where I'd put my other cafe, the Birdsong Cafe. The woodsy, earthy whole foods cafe with lots of funky drinks (and no Frappaccinos). My winged friends would serenade, and hopefuly it would not become the Birdpoo Cafe.

*A craft store for crafters looking for quality products that aren't  toxic environmental hazards or fall-apart made in China. Lots of natural fibers. There'd be lots of spare rooms for lessons or studios.

And you'd think I really ought to have some idea for the suburbs, but all I can think of is to shut down the golf courses. Give the people the land back. We've got golfcourse(s) winding around our suburban enclave and I can't help but think how much nicer the land would be just open.  Sorry, I guess I'm just not a golfer. That 10th hole area sure would make a nice spot for a picnic.